You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
cat food counts as protein by the way
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
