I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
