I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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