thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
