dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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