I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
