and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
