im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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