all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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