is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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