Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
