Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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