dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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