I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
