My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
