Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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