i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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