I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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