I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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