Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
