did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
