dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
