Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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