Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I love you. Go after that dick
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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