Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
