worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
