I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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