look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
