my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
