you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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