The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
