I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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