I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
