My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
