i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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