jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
