he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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