just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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