just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
