Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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