Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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