I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
