Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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