i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
