wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
