he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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