i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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