Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
im holly from the hills drunk
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
