hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
