Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
