Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
